Confusion is at it’s prime for me right now.

It feels very much like taking a map out, closing your eyes, twirling around enough so that you’re perfectly disoriented and then pointing to a place on the map. And then going to the place you just pointed to.

I feel like that.

I feel like the more options I consider, the more lost I am.
I can say that I’m probably not going to College, or at least, not a ‘regular’ college.
Not next year anyway.

I’m looking at the map, and the following locations jump out at me:

Nashville, Kansas City, and Atlanta.

And I’m pretty sure I’m going to Atlanta,
but I also want to go to Nashville at some point.
I just like Kansas City, to be honest.

Wait, they don’t love you like i love you
Wait, they don’t love you like i love you
Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait!
They don’t love you like i love you…

I feel like, even though that’s a song by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that’s what Jesus is saying to me. I don’t want to go away, but I feel at peace amidst all the hard feelings; amidst not knowing what it is exactly that I’ll be doing whenever I find out when and where I’m going.

I need time with my Beloved, in the secret quiet place.

Romans 8:5 – “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.”

It’s funny what gets stuck in your head. And I’m not just talking about music here. And yes, it is annoying getting the lyrics, “If I were a boy I think I could understand” stuck in your head simply because you went to buy a pair of shoes; but what about when you read or see something and that keeps playing back in your head?

Over, and
Over, and
Over, and
Over, and
Over.

It’s one thing to repeat in your mind images of a political candidate giving a speech, or reminiscing on a book you just read and thoroughly enjoyed.

It’s an entirely other thing to find an old magazine published a year after 9/11 and read stories about people like Genelle Guzman McMillan and Hilary Strauch; one who was one of four unlikely survivor found alive in the rubble, and the other an orphaned daddy’s girl trying to learn how to grieve.

Or footage of phillies fans breaking into a department store; or turning over cars because their team won.

Footage of thousands of men, gathered at Qualcomm stadium on a saturday, asking for forgiveness of the way they treat women. Or thousands of people standing up, weeping, because they’re broken by divorce in their family.

Or one single lady, hardly able to breathe because she is weeping so hard. Her husband, a youth pastor, recently confessed that he’s been having relations with woman and men, as well as having cyber sex, and being addicted to pornography and exposing their 5 year old son to it.

Clearly, these are a little more impressionable.
But why do they get stuck, and why do they stir my heart, and why does it make a difference?

I dare to think that they’re all significant in their own way. And more than that, that they resonate with some hidden thing in my heart that I don’t recognize just yet.

“What is truth?” – Jimi Hendrix
“I am the way, the truth and life (John 14:6)” – Jesus Christ

There’s gotta be more out there admist the chaos that ensues and gets trapped, making circles in my mind.

“You’re dancing around with truth,
My God rain down, power.
My God rain down, fire.”

I don’t know what time it will be when I go to sleep. I just listened to DBC’s Pastor Cleetus speak, with a message entitled “Awake O Sleeper“, I’m hungry, motivated to write without a topic to present, yet I feel as though I just really want to break the silence. I have to be honest about something, and it’s something I’ve been discovering about myself after reading “Searching For God Knows What” by Donald Miller – I’m really self-centered.

I know you know that, but what I’m saying is, that I use to write a lot because I enjoyed the attention. And I also stopped writing because I couldn’t figure out what to say to captivate an audience, perhaps I never had much of an audience to begin with, but writing felt like a way to validate myself because people apparently thought I was good at it. So I fed off of that immensely.

And actually, maybe what I really meant to confess is that I more often than naught, seek to be liked. I want to be liked. I said it, is that okay? I don’t like to feel like a worthless human being, and I don’t like feeling lonely and unappreciated, so I grabbed ahold of a tool I found and tried to reap as much cyber attention as I possibily could. I’ve done this for about three years with past blogs, and then I took a good year of not writing anything. I called it writers block, and maybe that’s appropriate, but I was really trying to figure out if there was something more to be said, or expressed than ridiculous reasons on why you should like me and read what goes through my mind.

I don’t know if I’ve found it necessarily, in the sense that I don’t know if I’m breaking the block with this post, but it’s my attempt. Because for once I’m realizing the depth of what it means to do things for God’s glory – yeah, I said that a lot before, “not about me”, but not only must I do it for His glory, but only by His glory am I able to do things. Does that make sense?

And coincidentally, it’s only through Him that I find my worth. I’m not actually done with the book, I couldn’t go past the eigth chapter because I reached a part where Donald Miller is describing Jesus, and I’m going to parahprase it, but he expresses a beautiful thought that Jesus would say:
“The world has been lying, you are beautiful.”

So what does this have to do with being awake at, now 1:55 AM? I want to be awake to that – constantly, as a lifestyle. I want to be awake, God forbid I fall asleep. Ephesians 5:14 says it so beautifully, to have Jesus shining through me. Ever wonder why Adam and Eve only realized they were naked after the fall? I can’t go into details, but if you’re curious, I suggest you read the book (both Ephesians and Donald Miller’s) because I’ll butcher the entirity of it.

So, I don’t think this is a perfectly layed out segments of thoughts, explanations, or profound statements, but I’m alright with that. I’m learning to find my validation in Jesus and to be awake. That doesn’t mean staying up til past 2:01 AM, I think being awake has a lot less to do with keeping your eyes open, and more to do with keeping your heart open.

Get me?
I’ll end with that.
Goodnight.

I slightly regret my lack of “updating” this past summer, er..year. A lot has happened, and that is a severe understatement. I won’t go into that though.
I’ve been reexamining some of what has occured, and it hit me: Alaska was the most random trip ever. (On that note, so were IHOP, Ohio, and Illinois, but we’ll save those for another time)

Okay, never mind that I somehow got picked to go regardless of my lack of “sporting” experience (which was at first required, but later irrelevant anyway), and let’s just put aside the fact that a lot of the people who got picked to go were hardly close, but ended up meshing quite nicely.

The kids I got put with for VBS were all handpicked by God. Even the ones who neglected to listen. An orphaned girl, two quiet boys, one redheaded girl, and a cute but feisty four year old (that drove me insane, to be frank)

I learned so much from them, I can’t even put that into words.

And then the whole climbing-up-a-mountain thing where I completely freaked out and cried? (embarassing, yes) but I realize now that it was a physical symbol of what God was longing to do in me – take me to new heights. I was terrified though, and I felt like I couldn’t take another step. That was fine, too. He kept me company where I was, and we went up higher together at a very slow pace.

Or the street witnessing we did one random night? Where it was me, stef and Anjli who were simply talking about wanting to do it and put it into action, and look at all that God did. I was terrified, but I did it anyway. And I’ll never forget what Frank, the homeless native told me, “Speak up” – it’s been something that God has been reinforcing the last week and half for me.

Oh, and the last day of the trip where we came back to the church we were staying at to find random people from Wisconsin who were also coincidentally there on a missions trip – doing work where we were going to initially be at. That gave us connections to Stephanie Joy, who is a phenomenal singer/musician. And we also met with Alive Campaigners who were on their anticipated “last” day of a very long bike trek from Texas to Alaska to raise awareness of Suicide and prevention of it.

Alright, maybe you didn’t get me.
We just happened to be in the same state at the same time as people from Wisconsin and Alive Campaigners, and it was the “last day” for all of us three teams. And we celebrated together as if we had been with one another all our journey.

What?

God is such a character.

“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”

I am in a very strange place in life right now. This year has been incredible, but not short of it’s heartache in every fashion. I don’t know where God is taking me, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t need to know. I just need to trust. That in itself is hard enough but He gives me the strength to do it. I can’t begin to tell you all the wonderful things God has done in my life in this year alone. I often find myself deep in thought, I reminisce and I over analyze to the point of exhaustion.

The truth is I don’t fit in very well and that is mainly because of all the insecurities I’ve carried althroughout my life. I recently told someon that holding unforgiveness towards anyone, whether that be yourself, holds you back from living. I’m seeing the reality of that. I tend to be very melancholy by nature. I don’t know why God made me that way, but I’ve quit trying to question it.

He’s taught me to receive his joy in every form. Recently I cried so hard I threw up, and all that I could think about was how good God is to me. He really does give me hope to live. I’m telling you I would have chosen to die such a long time ago if it werent for God. Life has plenty of pain, and I feel very much tainted because of it.

I will be glorified in this ridiculous mess.

I’m also trying to say that God has healed me so much in the last year. Really. I use to be allergic to beef and pork and got a really bad skin condion because of it. I was healed from that though, and I now indulge in all the hamburgers I want. Praise be to God! :]

He’s also healed me in an emotional and mental sense. As I previously stated, I’ve dealt with so many insecurities. About my physical appearance, as well as my personality and who I am, why I am and feeling so out of place constantly. When I was younger I had such a free spirit. I was bright and you could see a glow in my eyes. That diminished quickly as I progressed onward in life and woke up from the blissful ignorance that was my childhood.

I was no longer willing to laugh, to live, to love, to work, to try, to learn, to care, to feel, to hurt, to breathe, to speak, to sing, to dance. I lost it all somewhere along the line. And I’ve given way too many pieces of myself to people and things I never thought I would have.

I’ve been really broken up because of it. I didn’t know how to love myself, which made it hard to accept God’s love for me. I knew he loved me, I just didn’t know why. And that really bothered me.

Because I hated people. I hated myself. I had a lot of lust in my heart, I was very materialistic, I was very alone, very avengeful, judgemental, and unloving.

I’m not perfect by any means and still wrestle with my ghosts.

But I can’t tell you how good God has been to me.
He’s healing me from all of it.

Slowly, but surely.

I don’t know what else to say.

As I look on into the future I feel for the first time in such a long time, that things will be ok. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel a genuine sense of peace. And that’s not to say that life is floating smoothly. As of now, our roof is caved in our house, we’re low on cash, the car broke down again, my best friends are moving away, I’m trying to figure out what college I’ll go to, and things are really rocky with my boyfriend and it terrifies me to be honest.

But it’s all I can think about now,
Is how good You are to me.

“You’re always moving. You’re either moving forward, or you’re moving backwards – Even when you feel stagnant. Because God is always moving, and you’re either moving with him, or you’re moving backwards. And when you resist it, it only takes longer.” – Vanessa’s friend.

Friday.

Philip, my youngest brother who is seven years old confessed to me Friday afternoon that he was upset. “Why?” I asked him. “You guys painted my room! It use to have duckies, but now it’s all green.” I could understand his frustration, or so I thought. So I sympathized, “Well Philip, you’re seven years old now. Sometimes things just need to change.”

His eyes watered, “But..it’s just that you guys painted over all the memories!” I stopped at this, and chose my words carefully. “Philip, the good thing about memories is that you can always look back and remember them. Memories stay with you here,” pointing to his head, “and here.”, pointing to his heart.
“If your room stayed the same forever, you would never have the opportunity to make new memories, and that would get pretty boring, don’t you think?”

In the end we both agreed to help each other remember the good things.

I should’ve seen it coming, because God often gives out warning signs, but I wasn’t prepared for what was coming next.

Friday Night

Ever since fastweekend, God has very visibly been moving in my life. It’s honestly been so incredible. Tonight was strange. I was in a cheery mood, but I also felt a little lost. I was asking God where He wanted me, and what He was doing, “What are you thinking God? How are You moving?” I asked, didn’t I?

He showed me.

Pjax, my youth leader announced that he would be leaving in Septemeber. I’m not going to lie, I felt really abandoned. Not just by him though. By my sister, and all my friends who were going to College in the fall. I’ve been keeping that in for a long time. The fact that it would be hard for me to adjust to life after they stepped out of it. I’ve been holding that in the most in regard to my sister. And hearing my youth pastor say he was leaving, let loose a flood of emotions that I couldn’t seem to control. And believe me, I tried. I hate crying in front of people. So I walked out of the sanctuary, intending to go cry in the bathroom or the prayer room, but I somehow ended up in a large field at the Middle School across the street.

“Why is this so hard?“, I’ve gone through more change in the last two years than I can count. You’d think it wold get easier? It’s simply that at long last when I felt secure and stable, God shook it all up again. And I know that’s essential, I just needed to cry. Because I felt alone. I felt unsure. I felt misplaced, I felt hurt, I felt sad.

Laying out there on the grass, I felt separate from the entire world. I looked up at the sky, as if to try and look directly at God, and wondered if He was looking back down at me. That’s when I noticed the moon. It was light out still, but the moon was so brilliantly lit and almost full. For some reason it made me upset though, so I got up and walked across the entire field. I looked back up at the sky, and the moon was still looking down on me. Cold and still. I wondered if maybe the Sun and the Moon were like God’s eyes, and even though they’re essentially opposites, I wondered if it functioned anything like how He’s a Lion and Lamb. Pjax prayed right before the service that God would show us a new portion of who He was, that He would breathe into us.

Funny, because we watched a video by Rob Bell that night called Breathe.

“Life is fragile, and yet at the same time, we’ve been breathed into by the creator of the universe.” – Rob Bell

It all makes sense now. This is why I’ll be gone almost all summer, this is why. This is what Denise meant when she said that “God is fortifying you.” I believe God does not break promises, and just like is clearly fortifying me, I’ll believe him for the second portion of that which was, “He’s going to take you to a place where you need to be when you need to be there, and He’s going to put people in your life just when you need them.”

It’s already unfolding in that area, too. It was the funniest thing, all the youth leaders had to hunt me down because apparently it’s not a good idea to run out of church in the middle of youth group and not tell anyone where you’re going (Go figure!) I wasn’t even crying anymore at this point, but when Dave asked me if I was okay, I just looked down and teared up again. Because I wasn’t. And I didn’t try to pretend like I was anymore.

I went back inside the building eventually, and Johnny gave me big hug which made me feel a whole lot better. He’s taking it really hard too. And I talked to Anjli about how I was feeling, and also shared with her some personal things later that night. She’s a great friend, always has been. And in this way, I can already see how God’s beginning to place people in my life.

Saturday.

Michelle and I have been getting significantly closer, and today we were together almost all day at Arielle’s birthday party. It was a really random day. I needed to be out though, and it was the perfect amount of people. Only four girls and Emerson for a few hours. I danced in the warm rain, soaked my jeans, had a veggie burger and got silly string stuck in my hair. And yet at night, I felt even more alone than I did yesterday. Maybe it was seeing Emerson so happy about moving onward, and how I wish I were able to feel that way. Because I honestly am SO thrilled about what God’s doing, I just have no format of expression for that right now. My heart is breaking.

Sunday.

For the first time in a while I felt like an awkward piece. The awkward orange block with the slant, or the distorted looking puzzle piece that everyone tries to shove in everywhere but never really fits. I very clearly avoided interaction with too many people. I needed my space, and I got it. I just hate it because space feels so empty. I hate feeling alone.

I hardly spoke. Said strange things I didn’t mean, was a little on edge, made Melanie cry, basically acted a fool.

I’m just shifting, I’m just sifting. It’s happening faster than my eyes can adjust.
God will you help us understand the meaning of it all?

You know what though? I don’t want to hold myself back. I don’t want to NOT take advantage of the time I do have with these amazing people. I’m not going to, I’m going to seize it. I just can’t help but cry. And for the first time in a long time, I’m okay with that.

Sometimes you just need to cry it out.
I just can’t stay there. And I won’t.

God really knows what He’s doing. I’m leaving in 9 days to Kansas City, and will be leaving soon to Alaska. All this is no accident. Regardless of how much it hurts, I can still see how God’s working through it.

“You know when you start a puzzle by doing all the corners first, and when you get them all in place, all you need to do is fill in the middle? Well, God just needs to fill in the middle.”
- Emerson (Paraphrased)

I use to write, blog, journal, notebook because I had no one to talk to.

A lot has changed in that sense. I now realize that God has been surrounding me with people who genuinely care. Some of these people are, but are not limited to:

1. My mom
2. My sister
3. Jaime
4. Emily
5. Melanie
6. Emerson
7. Keaton
8. Ryan
9. Cynthia
10. Melissa
11. Vanessa
12. Lyanne
13. and of course, God.
    (This is not in order, by the way!)

And while I’m only now beginning to realize things, all the written messages, codes, pages, it’s all pieces I’m still sorting through. I wonder if it’s worth looking back though, because I often read and reminisce, and relive it all. And while it’s good at times, I don’t necessarily care to ‘feel’ the way I felt back when.

It’s a puzzle. I don’t understand how my mind functions, or whether I’ll truly ink something worth significance this time around. I so often want to write every detail, every moment, every memory, thought or feeling. This isn’t always a good idea, I’ve learned. But I just don’t want to forget! This is my way of remembering.

But above all, with this new opportunity, I pray that God would write THROUGH me. I’m so tired of pushing, shoving, and striving for what I hope will be worthy. It’s not. Not unless He is the author, and I am the ink.

Everything else isn’t so important.
This is the story I want to share.

God, I need You to meet me there.

- Becca